Editor's note: This piece originally ran in the Dec. 18 edition of The Post and Courier.
Thank you from the bottom of my Tar Heel heart. Because, to be honest, it has been stressful the past few months trying to explain to people …
This item is available in full to subscribers
Click here to log in
If you're a print subscriber, but do not yet have an online account, click here to create one.
If you aren't yet a subscriber,
click here to start a new subscription.
You also have the option of purchasing 24 hours of website access, for just 99 cents. *
Click here to continue.
* Full access is available from time of purchase through 11:59pm the following day
Dear Alabama ...
Thank you from the bottom of my Tar Heel heart. Because, to be honest, it has been stressful the past few months trying to explain to people who don't live in the South that most of us don't think it's a good idea to get married before we've taken 8th-grade geometry.
Alabama - may I call you 'Bama? - you have restoreth my soul. Yea, though I stumbled through the valley of despair like a blind mule in a punkin' patch, I can, finally, fear not the evil that would have been Roy Moore in the United States Senate.
As a sign of solidarity, my subscription to "Southern Living" has been renewed (it's headquartered in Birmingham, don'tcha know?) and I'm pondering a Gulf Shores vacation. All is forgiven, Alabama. You showed us.
It may seem odd to be so happy that y'all barely elected the guy who wasn't an accused pedophile to the U.S. Senate. To the folks who harp on the slim margin of Doug Jones' victory, all I can say is life is always full of people who want to lick the red off your candy. They'll pull up a sign and argue with the hole.
Henceforth, we will say that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and elections in which the winning candidate makes Steve Bannon look like the pale, putty-faced failure that he is.
Sorry. Like Roy Moore leering at a gaggle of girls in front of Limited Too, I guess I just can't help myself.
Sorry again. I don't mean to beat a dead horse. And speaking of horses, I'm fairly certain "Sassy" is a liberal Democrat. Did you see how she kept trying to toss Moore into the muck when he clumsily tried to ride her to the polls? It was fitting, I suppose, that he wanted to use a horse as a conveyance since he wanted to set back the calendar to "Slavery And Other Cool Stuff." Sassy wasn't having it, whinnying noisily, digging in her heels and ignoring his commands like she was Kirsten Gillibrand or something. If you play a recording of Sassy's whinnying backward, it says "Paul is dead." No, that's not right. I meant it says: "Vote for Doug Jones; he's an economic populist who prioritizes a clean environment, renewable energy, raising the minimum wage, and hay in every barn." OK, I added that last part. For Sassy.
Finally, Alabama, I'd like to give a special shout-out to your African-American women voters. Ninety-seven percent of black women voted for Jones, perhaps remembering Jones doggedly fought to convict two Klan members in 2002 after a Birmingham church bombing that killed four black girls in 1963. Soft on crime? Not hardly.
Sadly, 65 percent of white women voters supported the odious Moore. As for y'all? I wouldn't wave at you if my arm were on fire. This Christmas, when my mama-in-law makes her trademark chocolate holiday candy, the delicious but unfortunately named "Alabama Trash," it will be especially sweet.
Celia Rivenbark is a bestselling author and opinion columnist.
More Articles to Read