Sumter Pastor Clay Smith: Dumb headlines

In this season, before holiday madness descends upon us, as the colors of fall fade, we could all use cheering up. I ran across a collection of the dumbest newspaper headlines ever (Note: None of the papers that publish my column would ever do anything this dumb). These are reminders that no matter your intentions, you can fail to get your message across:

- Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police - Rarely? When do they talk to police?

- 'We Hate Math' Say 4 in 10 - A Majority of Americans - Fractions are not covered in journalism math class.

- Breathing Oxygen Linked to Staying Alive - In other news, lungs are named essential organs.

- Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly after Age 25 - Probably after age 19, too.

- Marijuana Issue Sent to Joint Committee - Not a smart move.

- China May Be Using Sea to Hide Submarines - Or they could use the mountains.

- Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons - I bet they found what they expected.

- Man Kills Himself and Runs Away - "Hello, 911? I want to report a missing body."

- A Nuclear Explosion Would Be a Disaster - Most nuclear explosions are.

- World Bank Says Poor Need More Money - I wonder how many economists researched this report.

- Bugs Flying Around with Wings are Flying Bugs - And bugs without wings can be squashed.

- One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers - Now that is just cruel.

- Bridges Help People Cross Rivers - Unless you prefer to swim.

- Northfield Plans to Plan Strategic Plan - Wonder when the planning meeting is.

- Rooms with Broken Air Conditioners are Hot - Talk about a hot news flash.

- State Population to Double by 2040; Babies to Blame - The mutants are off the hook.

- Greenland Meteorite May Be From Space - Or it might be a giant earth pimple, and Dr. Pimple Popper needs to be called.

- Survey Finds Fewer Deer After Hunt - This is important news. Just because the guys are going hunting does not always mean they are finding.

- Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for the Deaf - Not sure that is a good match of performer and audience.

- Woman Missing Since She Got Lost - That's the way it usually starts.

- Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking - And what is the rest caused by?

- Students Cook and Serve Grandparents - When asked how her grandparents were, one student replied, "Kind of tough."

- Scientists Kill Ducks to See Why They are Dying - Call it a hunch, but I think I know.

- Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient - Let's refamiliarize ourselves with the definition of the word "cure."

- Yellow Object Spotted in the Sky - It also rises in the east and goes down in the west.

- Prisoner Serving 2,000 Years Could Face More Time - But who will be around to remember to let him out?

- Man Found Dead in Graveyard - I bet he had plenty of company.

I believe God is the author of laughter. He gave this gift so we could have a lift in the hard seasons of life. Remember to let his joy lift your soul.

The Rev. Dr. Clay Smith is the lead pastor of Alice Drive Baptist Church in Sumter. Email him at claysmith@adbc.org.